Socks Without Partners

I got your happy period RIGHT OV'A HE'AH...

Swish, swish, crinkle.

“Huh?”

Swish, swish, crinkle.

I keep hearing this sound—so I stop. So does the sound. Swish, swish, crinkle.

OHMYGODIT’SMEMAKINGTHATSOUND.

I’m gonna find the bastard who invented these MOMMY DIAPERS and I’m gonna kill him. And then, I’m gonna make him wear a maxi pad on his forehead and go to his stupid little board meetings where everyone will know that We Women are onto him. And then, I’m gonna make him wear a T-shirt that says, “I invented the Mommy Diaper and made sure that there was ample scratchy paper fibers to make the swish-swish-crackle sound when chicks walk, all because my mommy didn't breastfeed me.” The back of the T-shirt will read: "I am a bastard child."

And have you SEEN the new commercials from Tampax? The ones that always come on while you're sitting on the couch with your pre-adolescent and/or puberty-crazed children? "Have a happy period" is the new logo. THAT has to be the product of some sick dude who asks his wife, "You on the rag?" He probably kvetches to his buddies at the country club, "Yeah, Deb's on the cotton pony this week so she is bitching at me about getting rid of my severed Pygmy head collection AGAIN--says it scares the kids. What a couple a'weenies." He's probably the same guy who, when his secretary is at her desk quietly sobbing because her cat, her best friend of 17 years, has just been put to sleep secondary to his five-year battle with kitty AIDS -- "What's YOUR problem? That time of the month or sumthin'?"

Ladies, let's find the Tampax PR manager who coined the phrase, "Have a happy period," pool our money, and look on eBay for some cash-starved fool who would be willing to break his nose. Then we can leave him with some tampons to shove into his face--and they will be OB tampons so that the jerk has to try to stop the hemorrhaging out of his face without the advantage of an applicator.

If it's a WOMAN who came up with that slogan, then, Sista, you're OUTTA the band. Chicks don't wish other chicks "happy periods." NOT COOL.

Period.

I wonder how much that damn T-shirt is gonna cost me.

posted by JSY @ 10:58 AM