Socks Without Partners

I wanna be like Jane...

Since my good friend Jane is very prolific about her blogging efforts, I thought I would at least make an attempt to do something bloggish every few days, even if it IS only a photo or some random, smartass comment (would you expect anything else)?

Jane does this thing in her blog where she lists what she is thankful for--this is so admirable. I am going to modify this concept and make an ongoing list of those things that give you that "OH SHI*" feeling. That seems cynical enough to be something I would do...right? Oprah would so not approve.

SO--I give you...

• It's that feeling you get when you have just spent hours writing the MOST brilliant thing ever and the power goes out before you have had a chance to hit 'ctrl + S' (or is it 'alt + S') to save it forever. (Okay, that one was really lame...I'm thinking, I'm thinking...).
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• HOW ABOUT: It's that feeling you get when you go to someone else's house and you have to make a poo because your bowels wouldn't cooperate with said activity prior to your departure from your own domicile (no one can relax their sphincter when there's a deadline involved) -- anyway, you go to the "washroom" (<--- that's Canadian for "bathroom") and you make your business known to every little invisible creature inhabitating the "washroom" and any other sorry creature who has the misfortune to live in the walls, under the flooring, and anything that saunters by the door -- and then you FLUSH...and the TOILET GETS CLOGGED. Maybe you used too much TP, maybe you had been saving up your colonic contents for awhile and their girth was too mighty for the plumbing in this stranger's "washroom"...and then the DREAD sets in. There is NOT A PLUNGER IN SIGHT. Omigod...you start sweating profusely and your face is flushed, your breathing is rapid (which is sorta gross because the "washroom" doesn't smell so pretty, despite the best efforts of the Glade Plug-In that is sticking out of the electrical outlet), you don't know quite what to do -- you could walk out and quietly turn the fan on to vent the odors and just ignore that you've totally clogged up the plumbing in that "washroom," quickly excuse yourself from the entire shindig before anyone else has the opportunity to use the bathroom because you KNOW that it's gonna overflow if anyone else tries to give her a flush, and RUN, don't walk, to your car and drive away very quickly before anyone is the wiser...you could look for a wire coat hanger and try to dislodge the offending materials from the pipe, although who the hell has a wire coat hanger anymore and WHY would it be in the bathroom of all places--even if you COULD find a hanger, what on Earth makes you think it would be long enough, even completely straightened out, or STRONG enough to break through...you could pray (does this work in situations such as this?) and continue to wipe the sweat that is beading on your now-quivering lip...you could BE HONEST, pull the host/hostess aside and see about possibly, just maybe asking in your 'this-is-so-embarrassing-and-has-never-happened-before' sort of voice: "Ummm, excuse me, gosh-do-you-have-a-toilet-plunger-I-could-use?" (SAY IT FAST because then he/she won't hear you and you will have to repeat it for everyone to hear, thereby effectively embarrassing yourself even FURTHER)...you could flush and go running out of the "washroom" screaming, "Omigod! It's flooding! Who the hell clogged up the toilet??? My shoes are RUINED!" When the host/hostess apologizes profusely and then offers to replace your shoes, you graciously forgive him/her and tell 'em you would take a check (cheque) to cover the replacement value. (Are you going to tell him/her that they were your sister's shoes and you stole them out of her closet when you were housesitting to feed her iguana while she was honeymooning in Fiji? Probably best not to...you're already buried up to your neck in...shall we say, 'poo-poo'?).
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• It's that feeling you get when...you are washing your husband's work shirts and instead of lipstick on the collar, you find a note written on a matchbook from a Motel 6 in the breast pocket that reads, "Thanks for last night...love, Dave."
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• It's that feeling you get when your baby learns to crawl and while you are on the phone explaining to Ford Credit why your car payment is late (again), said baby crawls into the bathroom and decides to investigate this whole new world. You walk in to find your precious darling using the toilet plunger as a teething biscuit.
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• It's that feeling you get when you are sending an email to someone about someone else--let's say your boss--and you say something really witty about your boss (call 'em a "passive aggressive redneck"...my personal favorite), but instead of sending it to your friend, send it to your boss instead. (That's a true story.)
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So that concludes the inaugural edition of "Things that give you that "OH SHI*" feeling, that one in the pit of your stomach that makes you want to barf out your gallbladder." If you have some you'd like to share, please add a comment!

Much love........

posted by JSY @ 3:18 PM